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I'll Mature When I'm Dead: Dave Barry's Amazing Tales Of Adulthood

by Dave Barry
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Product Details

  • Publisher: Putnam Adult
  • Publishing date: 04/05/2010
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-13: 9780399156502
  • ISBN: 039915650X

Synopsis

Jen Lancaster and Dave Barry: Author One-on-One

Jen Lancaster is a former vice president at an investor relations firm and a New York Times bestselling author. Her books include My Fair Lazy, Pretty in Plaid, and Bitter is the New Black. She replaced Dave Barry as writer for Humor Hotel, a nationally syndicated humor column. Jen Lancaster Read on to see Jen Lancaster's questions for Dave Barry, or turn the tables to see what she asked him.

Jen: The Pulitzer Prize looks a lot like those gold-colored one-dollar Sacagawea coins. Do you still have yours or did you accidentally use it in a parking meter?

Dave: I actually lost my Pulitzer Prize for several years. I put it in a safe place, then I forgot where that was. My wife eventually found it and put it an even safer place. But your question disturbs me, because it’s NOT a coin: It looks more like a middle-school diploma. So now I’m wondering: Is it really a Pulitzer Prize? Maybe I was the victim of an elaborate practical joke wherein Columbia University gave me a middle-school diploma and just TOLD me it was a Pulitzer. That would make sense, because (a) nobody ever really believes I won a Pulitzer, and (b) in university circles Columbia is known as a big prankster.

Jen: Does it indeed take a village?

Dave: I actually grew up in a village, specifically the village of Armonk, New York. Everybody in Armonk knew everybody else back then, which meant that if, as a high-school student, you (and here I am using “you” in the sense of “I”) experimented a tad (and here I am using “a tad” in the sense of “way”) too heavily with adult beverages one night in the fall of 1964 and passed out on a lawn that—of all the lawns you could have picked in Armonk—was the lawn belonging to Chief of Police Hergenhan, you would not be arrested; instead, Chief Hergenhan, upon discovering you drooling facedown into his crabgrass at 1:30 a.m., would call your dad to come get you, because he knew your dad, and he also knew that you would spend approximately the next two weeks retching, which was punishment enough. So I would say yes.

Jen: If X = Agent Jack Bauer and Y = shooting someone in the thigh, how many perimeters need to be set up to bring Edgar back to life?

Dave Barry Dave: It depends on how long it takes Chloe to get a visual on the satellite and upload the schematics.

Jen: Children seem to be more delicate than when we were kids. Do you advocate encasing them in Lucite until their eighteenth birthday?

Dave: These kids today don’t know how easy they have it, with their iPhones and their iPads and their atmosphere consisting of 21 percent oxygen and 78 percent nitrogen and 1 percent various other gases. When I was a youngster we didn’t have ANYTHING. We didn’t even have HAIR. We sat around naked in the cold, sucking on rocks for nourishment. But you never heard us complain, and by God we licked the Great Depression and won World War II. No, wait, that was our parents’ generation. But we faced challenges of our own. Junior year abroad, for example. That was no picnic. So you don’t even want to KNOW what I think.

Jen: Shirts or skins?

Dave: You always want to be on the skins team, because that way you’re guarding a guy on the shirts team, which means if you touch him you’re touching his shirt, which is an okay way to touch another guy (for very a brief period). If you’re on the shirts team, you have to guard a guy on the skins team, which means you might come into contact with his actual skin, which is wrong on several levels, not the least of which is that he will be oozing perspiration slime, like a giant eel with b.o. This is the main reason why guys turn to golf.

Jen: Will men use GPS or do they consider this the modern-day equivalent of stopping to ask for directions at the gas station—which is to say, an affront to their masculinity?

Dave: It’s acceptable to use a GPS because it is an incomprehensibly complex electronic device and therefore manly. But it is NOT acceptable to use the same GPS for long periods of time. Every six months or so you must buy a newer model with more features that you don’t need and a larger screen. Screen size is the important thing. Your goal is to eventually have a GPS with a screen so large that you can’t see out your windshield; when you drive you’re just looking at this humongous GPS screen. But you are still wondering, deep inside, when they’re going to come out with a bigger one.

Jen: Bret Michaels’s fans still throw their panties onstage when he performs. What do Rock Bottom Remainders groupies toss?

Dave:We have had panties thrown at us. But they were labeled “MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY 30 PEOPLE.”

(Photo of Jen Lancaster © Jeremy Lawson)
(Photo of Dave Barry © Raul Ribiera/Miami Herald)

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  • "I know crazy talk when I hear it."
    From Amazon

    Are you down in the dumps from reading too many stories about serial killers and dysfunctional families? Is following the calamity du jour in the newspaper or on the Internet making you depressed? Are your kids, spouse, mother-in-law, and boss driving you up the wall? Fear not. There is a cure for what ails you--Dave Barry's new compilation, "I'll Mature When I'm Dead." Warning: Do not read this on the bus or subway. You will laugh until you cry, causing your fellow passengers to stare and/or call 911. The subtitle is "Dave Barry's Amazing Tales of Adulthood," although calling Dave Barry an adult may raise a few eyebrows. Barry is both a Baby Boomer and an overgrown adolescent who offers a fresh and witty take on such diverse topics as the health-care crisis, the high cost of weddings, dance recitals, teenage Vampire novels (watch out Stephenie Meyer, you have competition!), aggressive parents, male-female relationships, fatherhood, and our preoccupation with social networking. People of a certain age will relate to Barry's nostalgic look at the fifties, when cell phones were a distant dream. In fact, "household[s] had one telephone, which weighed eleven pounds and could be used as a murder weapon." Barry also skewers popular culture, offering up a script for "24," in which Jack Bauer spouts gibberish, shoots a variety of people (even those who are not his enemies), and recovers quickly from decapitation. Even more hilarious is the author's takeoff on "Twilight," by the aforementioned Meyer, in which a narcissistic but clueless femme fatale brags about how alluring she is to the local vampires and werewolves. "I'll Mature When I'm Dead" is not all frivolity. Mixed in with the silliness are valuable life lessons, such as: "Get a colonoscopy, you idiot." Sure, some of the humor is jejune, but overall, Barry is devastatingly funny without being totally moronic. Don't be surprised if, after finishing this book, you have an irresistible urge to foist it on your friends so that you can guffaw together.

  • All-new material from the funniest man in America
    From Amazon

    Tears. They were rolling down my cheeks at the dentist's waiting room while I read this book, in a futile attempt to keep from laughing out loud. Oh how I love a new Dave Barry book. And this material is truly new! Except for one essay, none of these pieces have been published before, which is rare for a Dave Barry book. And he is at the top of his game here, with 18 stories of what it means to be an adult. Don't let the goofy low-rent cover fool you. Barry digs deep in this essay collection, and there is as much intelligent understanding and wisdom as humor. A couple of the essays are as touching as anything Anna Quindlen has written: The Heart of Dadness and Father of the Groom. These two moving explorations of parenthood brought on the tears again. Barry will even make you call for a colonoscopy appointment. That's real power. A few of my other favorite Dave Barry books: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need, Dave Barry's Money Secrets: Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?, Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States, Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys and Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up. Here's the chapter list: 1. The Elephant and the Dandelion (In Defense of Man) 2. If You Will Just Shut Up, I Can Explain (A Man Answers Questions from Women) 3. The Heart of Dadness: A Letter to a First-Time-Father-To-Be 4. Dance Recital 5. Technology 6. Solving the Celebrity Problem 7. Tips for Visiting Miami (No. 1: Are You Insane?) 8. Dog Ownership for Beginners 9. My Hollywood Career: The Big Dumpster 10. 24: The Ultimate Script 11. The Full Coward Package 12. The Health-Care Crisis (Wash Your Hands After Reading This) 13. Colonoscopy 14. A Practical, Workable Plan for Saving the Newspaper Business (I Sure Don't Have One) 15. Judaism for Christians 16. Fangs of Endearment: A Vampire Novel 17. A Festival of Grimness 18. Father of the Groom

  • Another Laugh Out Loud Book By Dave Barry
    From Amazon

    Whenever I read a Dave Barry book I know I'm going to be laughing. This book was no disappointment. Even though he is a Pulitzer Prize winner Mr. Barry still comes off as a regular guy in his writing. The stories in this book are all new with the exception of the story concerning his colonoscopy which still makes me laugh so hard it hurts. It's difficult enough to decide to have a colonoscopy but to have the doctor be a friend has to really be difficult. I don't think it was really a coincidence that his doctor was playing "Dancing Queen" when he went into the procedure room. There is also several parts where he doesn't want to 'toot his own horn' but does so anyway. One time he was recognized at the airport. Unfortunately they thought he was Carl Hiaasan. I frequently comment on his blog under the moniker nursecindy, and remember him asking some of us lady bloggers a few months ago to ask questions which did show up in the chapter titled, "If You Will Just Shut Up, I Can Explain" A Man Answers Questions From Women. He did answer most of them. Sort of. I love the stories about his dog Lucy and he has several in this book. His tips for visiting Miami are great and I don't understand why the Miami Tourist Bureau has not adoped his slogan, "Come Back To Miami! We Weren't Shooting At You." All in all this is a very funny book and is much longer than his previous books which really made me happy. Buy this book but be warned that if anyone asks if they can borrow it from you it will be difficult to say no. Especially if it is your spouse or one of your children asking to borrow it. This would also make a wonderful Fathers Day present.

  • Yes!
    From Amazon

    Well , I can go one further. I can give this 5 stars and I havent even read it yet. At last an all new Dave Barry book. I represent the sad Scottish Barry fan club. I read all the 24 Blogs and even buy at least one of the Christmas gifts each year. Just a few questions: PLEASE Could we have another novel? Big Trouble is a great book and movie. Not Dave's fault that his movie about a rogue nuke came out on 9/11 and got buried.(Note the use of capitals!!) Is the book tour just an excuse for a drunken road trip? Its obviouly not needed as the book is already at #4.. Why does the schedule include all the usual New York and dreary California towns? Why not the Baltic Shoe and Book shop, Stornoway, Isle of Lewis, Scotland ? Will the other band members be writing great reviews, in the same way they have greeted the new Scott Turrow ? Where can I buy this book?

  • You'll Be Glad You Did
    From Amazon

    Full Disclosure: I am Dave's "sometimes writing partner" of the Starcatchers series. But, because of this, I'm one of Dave's (only) critics! As a longtime Dave Barry fan, I feel like there's a hole in my Sunday newspaper. Like the kids got the scissors and cut out the most important part before I started reading: Dave's column. It's back! I'll Mature When I'm Dead is as if an editor has taken two dozen columns THAT YOU'VE NEVER READ (columns that are TWICE AS LONG as those ever published in newspapers) and put them in one place for you. It's a treasure! There is no need to recommend the pieces. Not if you've ever read Dave. Does he ever disappoint? I don't think so. You laugh, you groan, and you wince as he touches the truths of our everyday lives in ways we wish he wouldn't. There are dog stories, writing stories and even a vampire story parody. It's the best collection of his work, ever. And it's all new. Simply put: NO ONE DOES IT BETTER. You will reread this book many times, and leave it someplace handy in order to do just that. It's that good.

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